


Love, Future You

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Transphobia, Phil is a father figure and he's a damn good one, Trans Female Character, Trans Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), also i'm the same anon that wrote "Mandarinnit" if you happened to read that, religious trauma, there's some weird shit going on with the tenses sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: I haven't seen any MTF Technoblade fics, so here it is: the fic in which Techno has a crisis and Philza is a good dad.
Relationships: Ranboo & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 36
Kudos: 373
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of a vent fic, so there are themes of transphobia, religious trauma, and some self deprecation, please do not read this if any of these are triggering topics for you! Also, when depicting dysphoria, I very vaguely used my own experiences, however, i'm transmasc, so I may have gotten some specific experiences wrong. i'd love any feedback!

Techno was very secure in his identity, thank you very much. He knew exactly who he was and what he wanted- he was a white cishet man, and he wanted to be happy in his career. He couldn’t ask for much more.

And he had come far in his life, much further than the downtrodden boy he was in high school ever thought he'd come! He wished he could go back and speak to that kid, the one who was treated like shit by most of the people he knew, and tell him, “Hey- you're gonna be all good. Sooner than you think, you’re gonna start getting paid for being a huge fucking nerd.”

Techno thought about it quite often, really. What he would say to his younger self. This specific morning, though, when getting up out of bed, he started thinking in a slightly different vein. 

_ What would my future self say to current me? _

He continued thinking about it as he stumbled into the bathroom, kicking the doorway on accident- a frequent consequence of being rather forgetful of the fact that you do have a physical presence that interacts with the world around you.  _ Imagine being aware of your body. Cringe,  _ He thought to himself, half-hopping his way to the sink. 

He paused when he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror, making faces at himself as he squeezed toothpaste onto his toothbrush. He stared at himself, shaking his head out like an etch-a-sketch to erase the ugly thoughts when they started creeping in. 

Techno didn’t like looking at his face for too long. His whole body, really. It just felt so viscerally  _ wrong.  _ He wasn’t sure why- sure, he didn’t think he was gorgeous, but he didn’t quite hate his appearance, either. It didn't really feel like a matter of  _ liking  _ his body- just a disconnect? An error? That word felt surprisingly accurate; looking at himself felt much like hitting run on a program and seeing lots of confusing red text pop up. It was clearly wrong, but so confusing- it was easier to just leave it behind.

And that’s usually what he did. Leave it behind, walk away from the mirror and go about his day, feeling just a bit skewed sideways, but not enough to really inconvenience him. He figured it was just insecurities- years of bullying will do that to you. But today he just couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the mirror. 

He ran his fingers through his short hair. It almost felt like there was something missing there, and a thought flew into his head before he could stop it:  _ what if I grew it long _ ? 

Techno blinked hard, shaking his head out again. That was a terrible idea! He was a guy, and it wouldn’t look good on him, and it would take forever, and it would be so fun to be able to run his fingers through long hair, maybe braid it,  _ no, fuck-  _ Techno shook his head again, and again, and again until he was dizzy. He started to rub his ankle with the heel of his other foot, then bounced up and down, then tap-tap-tapped the sink because the thoughts just wouldn’t stop, they wouldn’t fucking stop and he wanted it so badly, he wanted long pretty hair but he  _ couldn’t _ .

It felt like so long ago now, when he asked his parents if he could grow out his hair. So long since he was a teenager, praying he could do this one thing- this one thing to make him like how he looked. So long since his father refused to look him in the eyes and gruffly told him he “ _ doesn’t want his son looking like some fuckin’ girl,”  _ while his mother pursed her lips shook her head, rubbing her husband’s stone cut shoulders.

“Look like a girl,” Techno said aloud himself, the words echoing loudly in the quiet house. “Don’t- can’t want that.” He chewed on his lip, a nagging part of his mind telling him his words are bullshit.  _ You do want to look like a girl, don’t you. Want to be pretty like a girl, want to have long hair and dresses and be- _

“Shut up!” Techno shouted. “Shut up.” he repeated the words over and over getting quieter, until it was nearly a whisper. “Shut up, shut up, shut up…”

He took a ragged breath in, his reflection’s eyes seeming to bore into him.  _ I look like I’m going insane,  _ he thought, patting at his messy hair, the toothbrush still unused in his free hand.  _ Dammit _ .

Techno looked at his face, and took the easy way out. Closing his eyes, he finished washing up without taking another look at his stupid reflection.

\------

It was nearly five days later, five days of taxing repression later, when the thoughts that Techno had been managing to push down came right back up again.

All because of Ranboo. Stupid Ranboo.

He was a good kid, he was! But godammit, if this child mentions Technomaid one more time, he’s going to lose it.

“It just  _ keeps on  _ popping up on my feed, it’s the best thing- dude, you have to do it.” 

“Nah.” Techno drawled, hoping Ranboo didn’t notice the hint of discomfort. Discomfort over- over the maid part, of course, not how appealing the dress sounded, no, never-

“Think of the  _ clout _ !” 

“Ranboo, I may be hungry for clout, but I’ve still got class. I’d like to keep it.” 

“Even chat agrees, they’re spamming Technomaid- wow, they're  _ very  _ excited over this. You wouldn’t want to let chat down! What if you just did your skin as a cat-pig-maid-royalty-man-boy? You don’t even need to do it in real life- this is genius.” 

“Yes, I would like to let chat down. Now stop talking about Technomaid.” Technoblade put a bit of punch into his usual monotone, praying chat wouldn't notice, but Ranboo would.

“But-”

“Please.” Techno clenched his fists, and muted himself on discord. “ _ Fuck.”  _ He whispered brokenly. It’s not Ranboo’s fault, he was just doing a bit. Just a bit.

So why did it feel like so much?

“Alright, you get to escape. For now.” Ranboo seemed to have gotten the hint, and Techno thanks the gods above for that one. 

The two of them chilled on stream for a while longer, sharing a few stupid anecdotes while collecting wood to build Ranboo a house.

After Ranboo ended his stream, he let out a deep breath, followed by, “Hey, man, I’m really sorry if I took the Technomaid bit too far. I don’t- I didn’t mean to, and just so I know, are there any other topics I should probably shy away from? Like on stream, or just in general?”

Techno blinked hard, surprised Ranboo even remembered that moment. “Nah, you’re fine. It really wasn’t your fault anyways. I just have some… uh, some stuff. To work out.”

“Okay, cool, got it. Just- I’m here for you if you ever need to talk or anything.”

“Yeah, I’m not taking advice from a child any time soon. Thanks for the offer, though.”

“I- Okay, that’s fair.”

The two sat there awkwardly for a second, neither sure what to say. 

Techno breaks the silence, saying, “Alright, I’m logging off. Thanks for having me on your stream. And for all the other stuff.” 

“Anytime!”

“Bye, Ranboo.”

“Bye, Tech.”

Techno disconnected from the call, dropping his head into his hands. His stomach lurched, the feeling that something was  _ wrong _ magnifying. His mind wouldn't stop conjuring images of him in a dress, with makeup, long hair, looking feminine, looking like a woman,  _ being  _ a woman. And he hated it. He hated himself so much for loving the images, for the visceral  _ want _ he felt for them to be a reality, the  _ need _ for them to be real.

Techno knew he was fucked when he realized he didn’t just… want to be a woman. He felt like one. 

“ _ No _ ,” he murmured aloud, his voice breaking, tears starting to roll down his face. Memories came rushing back, one after another-  _ don’t want you looking like a girl, don’t ever want to be a girl, god bless your soul, fucking queer, they are sinners, you are a sinner, YOU ARE A MONSTROSITY. _

The tears are falling fast now, Techno’s breath coming in choked-out gasps, his nails digging into his palms. “No. no. no…” he sobbed, rocking back and forth in his chair.  _ I am not a woman. I was not born a woman. I will never be a woman.  _

Techno sat like this for almost an hour- curled up in his gaming chair, crying- so vulnerable, too vulnerable,  _ weak.  _ And when he finally ran out of energy to cry any longer, he simply stumbled into bed and lay there, hiding from his own thoughts under layers and layers of blankets.

\------

After nearly five days of radio silence, Techno’s friends really started to worry. Sure, Techno was a very introverted dude, but it wasn’t like him to completely disappear for  _ this  _ long. 

If they could see the state their friend was in- curled in bed most of the day, desperately trying to block out the bad thoughts, sheets wet with tears, eyes red and puffy, they would be filled with pity. Techno couldn't have that. Can’t let them see him like this, pitiful, weak, tired. So, so tired.

Repression is an exhausting thing. It takes lots of energy to constantly block a river of thoughts that are just constantly rushing around in your mind, trying to break the dam- especially if you  _ know _ the thoughts are right. And Techno knew. He knew the thoughts were right. But knowing is a whole different thing from acceptance, and Techno could only handle one on his own.

And so maybe it was a miracle when Phil called again- for the eighth time in the past five days. Maybe it was a miracle when Techno accidentally pressed the pick up button, and it was definitely a miracle when he didn't immediately hang up.

“Techno! Oh, my god, you picked up- how are you, dude?” Phil’s relieved voice sounded tinny through the phone speakers, and Techno was hit by a wave of guilt upon hearing it.

He took a shaky breath. “I’m doing good, Phil.” 

“Okay, you are- I don’t mean to pry, but you are  _ clearly  _ not good. What’s going on?”

“I…”  _ Go ahead.  _ Techno’s mind whispered.  _ Ruin your relationship with yet another father. Look at what happened with the last one- he didn’t want a girl. Go ahead, do it again.  _ Techno clenched his jaw.  _ No,  _ he thought,  _ Phil is more of a father than the one I grew up with ever was. And he will love me, godammit.  _ “Phil, I think I’m a woman.”

Techno hears a soft  _ oh  _ from the other side of the call, and his heart stops. Was he wrong?

“Tech, I- I’m so glad you felt comfortable telling me this. I love you, alright?”

Techno gasped quietly, tears welling up in his eyes once again, but this time, they were tears of happiness. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“Of course. You’re my daughter! So should I- is Technoblade still your name? And should I start using she/her pronouns for you?” 

Techno paused. He hadn’t even thought about pronouns yet. “Can you, uh, maybe try out a few sentences referring to me with those pronouns? I think the name is okay, because Technoblade is an awesome name no matter the gender, but the pronouns…”

“Sure!” Phil thinks for a moment, then says, “This is Technoblade. She’s a minecraft youtuber, and she is my friend. She is on the Dream SMP, where she plays my daughter, an anarchist pig.”

Techno felt his- her heart swell with joy. “The- the family dynamics aren’t canon, Phil.” she said, choking on her words through her happy tears.

“Of course. How could I forget.” chuckled Phil. 

The mentions of the SMP made Techno realize, though- she has to tell the rest of the SMP. “ _ Fuck,  _ Phil, our friends.” She wants them to know, she does. She just doesn’t want to tell them.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to tell them right away if you don't want to.”

“But I do want to tell them. I just don't know how.”

“Maybe do something in true Technoblade fashion? A dramatic speech in the discord?”

Techno grinned, for the first time in far too long. “Phil, let's get to work.”

\-----

**_DREAM SMP_ **

**_> general_ **

  
  


**BECHNOTLADE**

_ @everyone Isolation… changes a man. Look at Victor Frankenstein, driven mad, look at Tommy, tortured by a green blob. And now it is my turn. Isolation has changed this man. This man who, in fact, was never a man. He- no, she, was simply masquerading as a man named Techno, while she was truly a woman named Techno. A woman named Technoblade who would really appreciate it if you respected her pronouns.  _

  
  


**dadza**

_ just for clarification this is Techno’s dramatic ass coming out to us _

  
  


**fishfucker**

_ oh!! that's very amazing thank you for telling us :)) we support you all the way _

_ WAIT WHO FUCKING CHANGED MY NAME _

**ni AHCHOO**

_ we’re so proud of you!! <3 _

**george’s bitch**

_ that is super great and i'm so glad you told us! and also does the pronouns thing apply like in public as well, or just in private? _

**BECHNOTLADE**

_ THANKS YALL and just in private for now _

**george's bitch**

_ got it got it _

**BIG T**

_ YOU ARE A VERY AWESOME WOMAN _

**BECHNOTLADE**

_ YES YES I AM _

**runbob**

_ yooo hell yeah!! women shit _

_ woman* _

**BECHNOTLADE**

_ i do shit, must be a woman. thank you for the validation _

**fatty patty 😎**

_ heyyyy lil mama you’re poggers as fuck can i buy u a drink _

**BECHNOTLADE**

_ i’m suddenly regretting my decisions  _

Staring at her phone, Technoblade saw the screen start to blur as tears of happiness welled up in her eyes, and in that moment she knew the answer to her earlier question.

_ What would my future self say to current me? _

She would say,  _ You’ve done it! You’ve found a new happiness. You’ve found a new family, and you’ve found who you are. You’re found everything you’ve tried so hard to keep hidden and it was so much better than you ever could’ve imagined. _

_ You’ve found everything you need. And I am so proud of you. We all are. _

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I actually wasn't at all planning on continuing this, but a few people said they'd like to see more, so! Here it is! It's short, but there's more coming. I just wanted to get this out there.

Nearly three months after coming out, Techno sat spinning in her chair, chewing on a pen while Wilbur talked about ideas for future videos.

“I wanted to do another 100 players thing, but I’m a little worried the general concept is exhausted. I don’t want to keep, like, beating a dead horse.” 

“I dunno, I feel like there’s more stuff you can do, and the fans always like them. But it’s up to you.” Techno said, twirling the pen as she spoke.

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.” 

The two of them sat there for a moment, the call quiet except for the clickity-clack of Wilbur typing. “What about you?” he asked, pausing his typing. “Are there any videos you’ve been meaning to do?”

Techno gnawed on her lip, debating whether she should say it or not. “I mean, there- there has been one, but I’m not really sure about it.”

“What is it?”

Techno took a deep breath. “I want to do a coming out video. Nothing big, just like- something to tell the fans.”

“Oh! Okay, yeah, sure! I can help you out with that, if you need, or if you don’t, I can just cheer you on.”

“I may need help just proofreading- proofwatching?”

“Sounds good, just send me the video whenever.”

“Thanks, Wilbie- Wilbur. Wilbur.”

Wilbur grinned, wishing he could’ve recorded that. “Of course,  _ Techy!” _

“Techy- no. No, that sounds terrible.”

“Alright, Bladie.”

Techno had to repress a smile as she responded, “Ew. Even worse.”

She didn’t hate it at all.

\------

Techno took a deep breath, double checking that everything was properly set up and ready to go- and, more importantly, that she was ready to go.

And fuck, she wasn’t sure. What if they all hated her? Unfollowed her, thought it was a joke, laughed at her? God, she wanted so desperately to be herself to the world, let them all see her and love her but she  _ knows _ they won’t all love her. She knows, and it hurts. 

And she needs to know someone will love her. She clicked into discord, pressing the call button on Phil’s contact, humming along with the ringtone.

“Techno?” Phil’s voice finally came on through Technoblade’s headphones, and she let out a breath of relief.

“Hullo, Phil,” Technoblade sighed, “Are you streaming?”

“No, I’m not- are you alright? You sound tired.”

“Gee, thanks, Phil.” He’s right, though. She is tired.

“Sorry mate, just looking out for you.” 

“No, I- no, you’re right, and I appreciate it.” Techno dropped her head into her hands. “I’m just… dealing with a lot. Right now.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Tech, is there anything I can do for you?” Phil’s voice was soft, comforting Techno before even saying anything of meaning.

“Yeah, I…”  _ You’re going to sounds so stupid.  _ Techno buried her face deeper into her arm. “Tell me you don’t hate me, Phil? Please?” Her voice was small, unable to help but feel ashamed at the request.

“Wh- of course I don’t hate you, I love you! A lot! You’re one of my best friends!” Techno could just hear the furrowed brow through the call, but when she tried to respond, she just couldn’t find the words. “Did I do something to make you think I hated you? Because I could never hate you. I promise.”

Techno stared at her cuticles, picking away at the edges. After a moment, she said, “I’m filming a… a coming out video. For the fans. And it’s terrifying, Phil, it really is, I…” She took a shaky breath. “What if they all hate me?”

Phil made a quiet sound of sadness, a broken  _ oh, _ and rushed to say, “Mate, I swear on my life there will be  _ so _ many people who will love and support you the whole way. And people like you, too, we have lots of young fans who are trans, and Techno, they’ll- they’ll see you and they’ll see themselves and they will love you even more. God, I- Over and over, there will be people who love you.” The man tripped over his words, like he simply couldn’t wait to tell them- they were far too important.

Techno was silent for a moment, her breath caught in her throat, tears welling up in her eyes. “...Thanks, Phil.”

“Of course. I’m always here for you.” 

Techno would’ve done anything to be with Phil- she liked to think of herself as independent, solitary, but in that moment she was small again. Simply wanting to be held, told it’s going to be okay.

It’s going to be okay.

“Phil, can you stay on call while I record? You don’t need to say anything, I kind of just…”  _ You make me feel safe.  _ “Could use the support.”

“No problem, Tech. Let me just mute so that I don’t accidentally make some noise and mess with the recording.”

“Got it.”

Technoblade breathed  _ in- out- in- out  _ once more, and pressed record. She would put the voice recording over a video of her building in Minecraft, so that at the very end, she would fly far out and it would reveal itself to be a trans pride flag with her skin’s face in the middle. But right now, it was just her, talking shakily into her mic.

“I want to keep this short,” she started, “So no intro, funny bit, nothing, just me talking to you. Completely unscripted, which is... probably a mistake.”  _ I’m really doing this.  _ “About three months ago, I realized something that’d I- I’d say it’s fairly important. And I thought you guys should know about it, because it’s, uh, it’s good for me to be open, and it’s good for me to- actually, y'know what, it’s good for me to stop stalling. I’m trans! There ya go. She/her pronouns from here on out, name’s still Technoblade. Gotta keep the branding. And, uh, yeah! That’s about it. Quick thank you to the whole SMP, cause they’ve been really incredible, super supportive. So. Thanks, you guys.” She felt as if something was missing something. She racked her mind- This should be heartfelt, right? This should probably be heartfelt. “Uh, what else do I say? I guess just… to all the trans kids, to the queer young’ens, you’re- pretty cool. And you’re seen. And you just keep being yourself, and if you don’t know who that is, that’s alright. And if you think no one supports you, you’re wrong, because I support you, and I am- lots of people. I am lots of people who support you. You’re supported. You go.”  _ Jesus fucking Christ, what are you saying?  _ “So yeah, that’s it. Respect me and all other trans people. Bye.”

She pressed the stop recording button, and heard Phil unmute.

“I have to say, I think the lack of a script was the best part.” Phil said, chuckling.

“I’m a master of improvisation, what can I say.”

\-----

Two days later, it was time to post it. The Minecraft part had been edited, subtitles had been added, Wilbur had proofwatched it ( _ “I’m lots of people- good job, English major.”)  _ Everything was ready to go. She moved to post it, and  _ shit, I forgot to come up with a title _ . After a minute of frustrated thinking, she typed in her title, and pressed upload.

**_Technoblade has just uploaded “so uhhhhh yeah”! Watch it now!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally not subscribed to anyone on Youtube so I have no idea what the notifications look like but hopefully I was close. Next chapter will be the general reaction to the video and how it affects Techno and all that, but I honestly don't have many ideas after that- I've got a few, but if you have any suggestions, definitely let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling emotional, so have this! TW for transphobia (not from anyone close to Techno)

Technoblade lay facedown on her bed, face buried in her pillow, her arm underneath. She had been in this position for at least an hour now. Maybe two, maybe three, maybe she had been here for years. She wasn’t sure. 

She’d gotten here moments after posting the video, near-paralyzed by fear. Phil’s words had meant a lot, sure, but holy  _ fuck _ there’s only so much that can be said when you’re coming out in a notoriously bigoted community. 

Maybe she’d open her phone and Phil would be wrong, so wrong, maybe transphobia would hit her like a brick to the face and she’d get knocked out and when she woke up they’d all be  _ laughing, _ laughing at her, laughing at the woman before them the woman that didn’t look like a woman the woman that would drag herself away but never  _ escape. _

Her legs were going numb.

Maybe she could stay here forever. Lie here, vision dark, frozen, numb, freezing to the bone, freezing until she became a marble statue. And she’d be found years later, by some tired archeologist, yelling at his colleagues to  _ come take a look at this dude,  _ and be displayed as a man for all to see.  _ They called him a god _ , the tour guides would say. Passerbys would stare for a moment, murmuring under their breaths to look smarter. Scribble something down on a notebook:  _ A dozen eggs, brown sugar, butter. _ They would move on. Forget about her- better than remembering her as a man. Across the room, a little girl would cry that she wants to go home.

She would want to go home.

She should check her phone.

She sat up and swung herself off her bed, her feet setting on the carpet after so long, and  _ fuck- _ her vision went black, and before she could realize what had happened she found her legs crumpling underneath her, completely asleep. 

She rubbed her eyes, blinking back into vision.  _ I guess this is what happens when you don’t move for over an hour.  _ She smacked her legs a few times, trying to bring back feeling. Wobbling as she stood up, she made her way over to her phone. She stamped her legs on the ground as she unlocked it, wincing at the massive amount of Twitter notifications.

Tapping the app, she was immediately greeted with a flood of “Transnoblade” content, as they put it.  _ Holy shit, number one on Trending. _ The description read,  _ “Minecraft Youtuber Technoblade comes out as a trans woman, and her fans have mixed responses.”  _ Techno’s breath caught in her throat.  _ Mixed responses? _

Her thumb seemed to move of its own accord, clicking into the trending tab and scrolling through.

\---

_ I’ve literally never been more surprised watching a video but like i'm not mad _

_ \--- _

_ IF I SEE ANY HATE I WILL FIGHT ALL OF YOU _

_ \--- _

_ i stg this better be a joke _

_ \--- _

_ As a trans fan of technoblade im literally sobbing rn whta the fuck _

_ \--- _

_ Are we not going to talk abt how cute Techno’s thank you to the smp was like that shit was great _

_ \--- _

_ guess i have to find someone else to watch,, godammit cant we have one normal one _

_ \--- _

_ I keep seeing cishets getting mad at Techno for “faking” or saying its joke and disrespectful to the community and as a trans person, fucking stop it. She wouldn't make that video as a joke we all know it _

_ \--- _

_ I;ve literally never felt happier,, Techno’s message literally means so much to me as a trans girl i’ve idolized her for so long and!! Shes like me!! Shes like me and thats just,, CRIES LOUDLY IN QUEER _

_ \--- _

_ Yall rly acting surprised by Techno being trans like she didnt literally always give off such queer energy _

_ \--- _

_ ugh he better take it back bc im not watching that shit _

_ \--- _

_ TECHNO WE LOVE YOU PLAESE DONT LISTEN TO THE HATE _

\---

Tears were gathering in Techno’s eyes.  _ It’s a little too late for that.  _ She couldn’t stop herself as she scrolled through the tag, being tossed by wave after wave of emotion- the mix of support and hate was overwhelming, and she felt like she was drowning.

She opened up discord, seeing a pile of DM notifications from her friends, probably telling her not to check Twitter.  _ Whoops _ . She didn’t check them- she knew reading about what she did wrong over and over would just make everything so much worse. Instead, she scrolled through her friends list, calling the first person online.

The phone barely got to ring before he picked up.

“Techno, shit, how are you? Have you- have you, um, checked-”

“Yeah, Wilbur, I did check Twitter. Pretty sure that’s what you were gonna say.”

“...Yeah.” He let out a long sigh. “How are you holding up?”

“Take a wild guess.” She didn’t mean to be aggressive, but god, was she tired.

“I’m so, so sorry- I hope you know the majority of the community supports you. It’s just- assholes are really persistent, so it looks like there's a whole lot more of them than there is, but I  _ swear  _ they are not the majority. Or even close to the majority.”

“See, Wil, I... rationally know that. I know that there are lots of cool people who are fine with it. But my brain won’t  _ shut the fuck up _ , telling me they all hate me. I don’t… I just want it to be quiet.”

Wilbur was quiet.  _ Godammit, Techno, you’ve dumped too much on him-  _ “Would a distraction help?”

She blinked, taken aback by Wilbur’s continued willingness to help. “...If it’s not a bother, yeah.”

“Okay! I have a bit of an idea, but you can definitely say no. Please don’t feel like you have to do this.”

“...Alright?”

“Niki mentioned to me the other day that if you ever wanted to try out some makeup, she would be more than willing to teach you?”

Techno’s heart fluttered with a mix of excitement and fear. Sure, she had tried makeup in the past, but she was really terrible at it. Tutorials were always so confusing, but she couldn’t stand to look stupid, asking her friends for help. But if Niki had offered, maybe that would be okay. “I think I’d like that.”

“I’ll call her. Oh, and if you want, I can do it along with you! So you aren’t the only one who doesn’t know how to do it.”

Techno could’ve cried with appreciation for her friend. “Yeah, stay. I want to see you struggle with eyeliner.”

“Mhm. Not because you  _ loveee _ me and want to spend time with me?”

“Nope.” It was, but she would never admit it.

“Sure, Bladie. If that makes you happy.”

“It’s NOT!”

Soon after, Techno was sitting at her computer with eyeliner, eyeshadow, and some lipstick in front of her. Wilbur and Niki were on call with similar supplies, waiting for her to turn her camera on.

“I’m ready.”  _ I think.  _ She reached forward and turned on her camera, cringing at the sight of her face. She reminded herself that that was what she was here for- to make her body look like  _ herself. _

“Yay!” Niki clapped excitedly. “Okay, so for today, would you like to do something more light and natural, or colorful and dramatic?”

Techno hesitated. She honestly wasn’t sure, so she said the first thing that came to mind. “How about the makeup you do for streams?”

Niki nodded, smiling as she held up the eyeliner. “Let’s get to work!”

\---

About 30 minutes later, Techno completed the last step, fixing up her lipstick.

“You’re done!” Niki said with a smile.

Techno looked to her camera. When she saw herself, she let out a gentle gasp, finally taking it in. She didn’t suddenly look like a cis woman, but she looked so much more femenine, and with it came a gentle recognition. This was who she was.

“You’re beautiful.” Niki said quietly.

Techno couldn’t stop the tears that started to pool in her eyes. “Fuck, I’m going to mess up all my incredible work.”

“I’m so proud of you.” said Wilbur, smiling softly.

Techno tilted her face to the ceiling. “God _ dammit _ , you’re going to make me cry more. That’s pretty transphobic, Wilbur.”

Wilbur snorted, responding, “Don’t you try to pull that card with me, I’ll get cancelled.”

“Wilbur Soot is transphobic, spread the word!” giggled Niki.

“PLEASE don’t.”

Techno laughed, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and leaning back down to fix her eyeliner. She could deal with the fans some other day. Right now, she would let herself be happy. “Quick, get out the notes app! You gotta make an apology, or I’ll say you called me a slur!”

“NO!” Wilbur cried out, laughing so hard he slipped down in his chair.

Techno grinned. Yeah, she was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have Twitter so I'm not sure what it's like, I just know it can be a hellhole. Also sorry I kinda speedran the makeup scene but I also really don't know much about makeup, and I do not feel like doing research!

**Author's Note:**

> ok there are DEFINITELY more notes that i wanted to add what were the notes


End file.
